


03:05

by kriswu



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, M/M, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-14 00:15:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5722414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriswu/pseuds/kriswu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ilunga: a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	03:05

**Author's Note:**

> Written for selubration round 4. Originally posted [here](http://selubration.livejournal.com/52723.html). **DO NOT READ** this work if you are triggered by emotional and verbal abuse.

**Day 41**

  
  
  
“Happy birthday!” Sehun shouted enthusiastically, holding a small cake in his hands, “made a simple genoise cake, didn’t know what else you’d like,” he smiled shyly at Luhan, who seemed to be smiling with his whole face, rather than his mouth.  
  
“I will like whatever you choose to give me, because I like you that much,” he kissed Sehun’s cheek.  
  
It felt unreal to Sehun that Luhan liked him so much. He knew he was good looking, but he reasoned it was normal to be awestruck if someone older, and rather successful, felt attracted to a person like him, a kid fresh out of uni.  
  
He felt dumb for hoping that maybe, finally, he was to experience his first love.  
  
  


**Day 79**

  
  
  
“What do you think about this?” Luhan asked, walking from side to side in front of Sehun. “Does it look good on me?”  
  
Sehun snorted, “yeah. It looks as if you actually have a big ass.”  
  
“I do have a big ass,” he rolled his eyes, “his name is Oh Sehun.”  
  
Sehun stood there, frozen, as Luhan walked away to change into his own clothes. Had that comment really bothered him?  
  
  
  
“What was that back there? Did you get mad for what I said?” Sehun asked, worried he might have crossed a line.  
  
It surprised him, since Luhan was the one who always joked about how flat his backside was. He didn’t think he’d be sensitive about that.  
  
“Wouldn’t you get mad if someone said something negative about your looks, Sehun?”  
  
He wouldn’t get mad because he had self-esteem and confidence in his looks, but something told him not to say that to Luhan, unless he wanted him to get really angry.  
  
Maybe, he realised belatedly, Luhan laughed at himself so others wouldn’t, and in that case, he was in the wrong. Luhan’s anger was reasonable, so, he started to think of ways of apologising instead.  
  
“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t think before speaking.”  
  
Luhan looked at him from the driver’s seat, “save it. A disabled dog’s apology would sound more sincere than you right now.”  
  
Sehun stayed silent, sitting straight and choosing to ignore the heavy feeling in his chest as he looked out the window.  
  
It wasn’t the first time he saw Luhan angry, but it was the first time that anger was directed at him.  
  
  


**Day 118**

  
  
  
After being told off by his boss for mixing up important papers in a morning meeting, all Sehun wanted was to grab his coat and call Luhan to see if they could have lunch together. It was way past lunchtime, and his head was in pain. It made his face light up seeing so many unread messages by the sole person he had in mind.  
  
 **From: Luhannie ♥ (13:48)**  
 _Hey, let’s go buy some food when you’re done working~ you’re staying at mine tonight. ;)_  
  
 **From: Luhannie ♥ (13:56)**  
 _Do you have anything against food? Food is good, so good it wouldn’t kill a fly; in fact, it lets flies feed themselves. What did food do to you, Oh Sehun!? Did it kill your cat?_  
  
 **From: Luhannie ♥ (14:03)**  
 _Oops, just remembered; your parents killed your cat, not food. My bad! That’s what you get for not replying._  
  
 **From: Luhannie ♥ (14:12)**  
 _Alright, why the hell are you not replying? Did you die?_  
  
 **From: Luhannie ♥ (14:20)**  
 _You kill me when you don’t reply. You might as well be dead._  
  
 **From: Luhannie ♥ (14:28)**  
 _You know what? Forget I even suggested spending the night together. I have lost all desire to see your face._  
  
He sat in his chair, stunned, not really knowing if he should reply or call, or what had set Luhan off like that.  
  
 **To: Luhannie ♥ (14:46)**  
 _Sorry. Messed up this morning. Boss chewed me up. Want to meet up for lunch?_  
  
An answer came immediately. Sehun swallowed thickly.  
  
 **From: Luhannie ♥ (14:47)**  
 _Got it well deserved. I don’t want to see you._  
  
  


**Day 142**

  
  
  
“Why are you angry at me now, Luhan!? What did I do now!?” Sehun shouted as soon as the door to their house closed. He felt his eyes fill up with tears; not sure if they were due to anger or plain sadness and pain.  
  
It took less than a second for Sehun to make out Luhan’s angry scowl in the dimly lit living room, his heart pounding in his ribcage. He had never been so scared in his life, and a tiny, almost muted voice in his head made him question himself about it; why should he be afraid of a person who was supposed to make him feel happy and safe?  
  
“Are you going to cry now?” Luhan scoffed, voice as calm as ever, “why are you such a cry baby?” He kicked one of Sehun’s potted plants repeatedly, “let us think this pot is your disgraceful excuse of a face. I could do so many things to you right now, Sehun, and you’re still questioning me? Isn’t it obvious? Do you think I’m stupid?” He kicked the pot once more, “do you want me to do this to you?” But Sehun was too livid, confused by Luhan’s outburst and blinded by his own pain, to let his fear show.  
  
“Then fucking do it! Why are you always threatening me, talking to me as if I should know the reason behind your rage!? Do you think your hands could hurt me more than your words already have!?” Sehun yelled yet again.  
  
He saw Luhan walk towards him, hands balled into fists at his sides, his face twisted into the most terrifying smile Sehun had ever seen, “then, let me ask you, do you think I give a shit about your feelings? It’s not my fault, Sehun. You make me say and do shit I otherwise wouldn’t,” he stood right in front of him, and although he was shorter, Sehun felt microscopic under his gaze.  
  
“You’re always talking to people I don’t trust or like,” he continued, “but I allow you to keep in touch with Jongin, and his sleazy looking boyfriend, what’s his name? Baekhyun? Do you think I’ve never seen the way that Baekhyun guy looks at you? He would fuck your brains out if I didn’t protect you.”  
  
Sehun, as he often did, stayed in silence. He would never doubt Jongin, and he had met Baekhyun way before he met Luhan, but now he was starting to understand why Luhan was angry.  
  
“Is this about Baekhyun, then?” He asked simply, afraid that Luhan would reach out and hit him square in the face.  
  
Luhan laughed sarcastically, “so you call him by his name and everything? I should have known he looks at you like that because you probably offer your cheap ass on a silver plate to him when I’m not looking, don’t you?” His voice was still calm, but his face betrayed him and showed disgust like Sehun had never seen before. “I bet it’s because you know that’s what you are, a repulsive cock whore; nothing more than a nice summer fuck.”  
  
The sound of Luhan’s phone ringing stopped Sehun from replying. He waited until Luhan finished talking, but it was him who spoke again.  
  
“I have to go out. You should start looking for a way to properly apologise to me for raising your voice to me. You need to understand just how much you need me to live, Sehun. You have nothing and you are nothing without me,” the way he said it sent shivers down Sehun’s spine, “I’m so tempted to kick you out right now. Since I agreed to date you, all I’ve done is take painkillers because you only give me headaches, so please spare me tonight and don’t sleep in my bed.”  
  
He left before Sehun could even respond to that. Sehun’s heart hadn’t slowed down still, and he was worried he’d have a heart attack.  
  
  


**Day 143**

  
  
  
“Why on earth did you call me out so early if we saw each other yesterday? I’m terribly hungover,” Jongin told Sehun as he sat on the grass beside him. Sehun chuckled; it was nice to see him.  
  
“You’re my only friend, nothing I can do about that.”  
  
Jongin opened his eyes and looked at him, “just how much head did you give last night? Oh Sehun, you are so hoarse I wouldn’t have recognised you if you’d talked to me on the street.”  
  
Sehun sighed. He didn’t really want to dampen the mood, since it was so carefree and light with just Jongin, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say.  
  
“Jongin. I need you to help me,” Jongin looked up at him, face already darkened by worry, “I need you to listen to me, and I need you to be as objective as possible.”  
  
“Unless you tell me you killed someone,” he joked half-heartedly.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Sehun looked at his own hands as he spoke, “if Baekhyun said horrible things to you constantly, to the point where you start to doubt yourself and your capabilities, what would you do?”  
  
He looked up to see Jongin’s face. He knew Jongin’s eyes well, so when Jongin finally realised what he was implying, he looked up, too, and found Sehun’s confused eyes locked on his.  
  
“Firstly, I would reassure myself that he’s the one in the wrong,” he began, “then I would call you, because I know you’d reassure me, too, and I’d ask you to advise me. Finally, since I’m really in love with him, I would talk to him and, depending on his behaviour and overall attitude towards my worries, I’d forgive him. Why?”  
  
Sehun couldn’t bring himself to repeat the things Luhan had said, and he didn’t want Jongin to know about them, either, but he had to tell him something, and he knew Jongin would know if he lied.  
  
“Luhan and I have been having petty fights lately. They’ve become frequent and last night was the worst,” he let the words slip out of his mouth, eyes closed, too embarrassed to look at Jongin. “I’m scared, honestly, but even if I know that, I couldn’t tell you why exactly. I just am.”  
  
Jongin hummed, “you don’t need to censor yourself so much with me, though, but it’s okay. I’ll try not to judge him, and I hope things will work out between you two.”  
  
A weight was lifted off Sehun’s shoulders at Jongin’s words. Sehun was thankful to have a him as a friend.  
  
“How do you feel about really cold beer and pizza?” Jongin asked him after checking his wristwatch, “you have work today, don’t you? Let’s feed you before you go save the day.”  
  
  


**Day 145**

  
  
  
The talk Sehun had with Jongin only helped him feel a little more human than before, if anything; knowing Jongin would react the same way he did if it were him, made him feel like maybe he wasn’t as crazy as he sometimes felt. So, Sehun took a day off to stay home, buy takeaway food and wait for Luhan to arrive.  
  
He wanted to talk, like the grown up men they were, and sort things out. The day before, he’d spent a lot of time thinking about Luhan and all the good things about him, and also, about himself. It was true that Luhan’s put downs had become fairly frequent in the past month and a half, but they had good days, too, sometimes. He reasoned it was human nature to always favour the negative memories in order to protect the self. He decided to listen to Luhan carefully and forgive him, because in the end, the strongest feeling in his heart, was love towards him.  
  
“What is this?” To Sehun’s surprise, Luhan looked the happiest he’d seen him in a long time.  
  
“Our dinner,” he replied tentatively, “please don’t get mad, but we need to talk.”  
  
Luhan nodded as he took his shoes off, “I think so, too. Let me get rid of these clothes first, though.”  
  
Sehun found himself waiting again. His chest felt warm and full, a feeling which felt almost foreign to him; the thought of Luhan taking back his hurtful words making him feel already better than he’d felt in months.  
  
“What did you buy?” He heard Luhan ask from the kitchen.  
  
“Arab food,” he replied shyly, “wanted to get something you liked more, but your favourite restaurant was closed. Sorry about that.”  
  
Luhan giggled, “well, I really like this restaurant, too. Second best is better than burnt rice, isn’t it?” Sehun just nodded, not used to this side of Luhan anymore.  
  
Usually, their meals together were silent, so Sehun didn’t worry much about his own quietness or Luhan questioning him about it. He was nervous, and convinced he’d end up hyperventilating if Luhan asked him about what he wanted to talk about.  
  
He finished first, which was unusual, but if he thought about it, the whole evening unfolding before his eyes had an unusual tilt to it. It took a few more minutes for Luhan to finish and start speaking.  
  
“Throw that in the bin and come here so we can talk, then,” he told Sehun as he stacked the disposable plates on the table. Sehun obliged.  
  
He walked back into the living room holding a small piece of butter pecan cake in his hands.  
  
“Do you know why I want to talk to you?” He asked Luhan.  
  
“No,” the sincerity in Luhan’s face confused Sehun momentarily, “but I want to know, because I want to talk to you, too.”  
  
Sehun took a deep breath, “alright. It’s about what happened three nights ago,” Luhan nodded solemnly, but didn’t say a word; Sehun was shaking. “I think it was wrong. I still don’t know what made you so angry, and I want to know so I can understand you better. And your words,” he swallowed thickly, not for the first time that evening, “your words hurt me so much, did you really mean them?” Luhan seemed to be mulling over Sehun’s words, while Sehun shivered and tried his best to keep his food down.  
  
After a few minutes, Luhan looked up at Sehun, “I got mad because I don’t like the way Baekhyun looks at you like he wants to take you away from me. He’s got Jongin, why does he have to look at what is mine? But what makes me feel even more mad is how both you and Jongin are oblivious to that,” Luhan rolled his eyes; “Jongin is a decent man, he doesn’t deserve someone like that.”  
  
“I will be careful next time we see them,” Sehun told him automatically.  
  
“You better, because I’ll chop both of your dicks if I see him looking at you again, and then I’ll date Jongin; he’s not half bad,” Sehun took a sharp intake of breath. “Which brings me to the things I said. I cannot and will not take them back, Sehun. Maybe I said something you didn’t like, but in that moment, those were my true feelings. You can’t try to guilt trip me into apologising when you should be the one saying sorry for screaming at me. You know I hate that, and you know I get really angry when someone raises their voice. It was your fault, really, you brought it on yourself.”  
  
As he heard Luhan, he realised that yes, it had been his fault for being loud, and that maybe his words that night had been harsh, but Sehun himself wasn’t one to apologise for saying what he felt.  
  
“You’re right,” he told Luhan, looking into his eyes, “and I’m sorry. I will do my best to not get carried away like that again. You don’t deserve that much stress.”  
  
Luhan smiled at him, and Sehun noticed how his whole face was smiling, just like when they’d just started dating. He felt something in his chest tighten because even if they were going through a rocky path, he still got to see that smile, and more importantly, he was the reason for it.  
  
“Luhan,” he whispered, eyes closing as he spoke, “I love you.”  
  
Luhan’s hands caressed his face, soft and slow, and it made his heart beat erratically. He then felt Luhan’s lips on his, hard and insistent, as his hands made their way down his neck. It didn’t take long for Sehun to feel a need that he hadn’t felt in a while. Luhan’s mouth left marks on his neck and shoulders, touching him in all the right places, and Sehun was so high on arousal that he said, way too quickly, “please take me to bed and fuck me.”  
  
  


**Day 202**

  
  
  
“You sure are looking happy,” Jongin said as he sat opposite to Sehun.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah, really. I guess things are actually working out for you two, right?”  
  
Sehun bit his lip, “we still have horrible fights sometimes, but it’s always my fault, so I can fix it afterwards, and it’s not as often as it used to be.”  
  
“I suppose that’s a start,” Jongin replied, but his eyes looked cautious and Sehun wondered if it’d been wrong to tell him the truth.  
  
“It is, so don’t worry about me, okay?” He smiled brightly at him, “why did Baekhyun not come?”  
  
Jongin smiled this time, “I simply told him I was going to cheat on him with you for the day. He seemed thrilled,” he laughed softly, “put his camera in my bag so I could film it and give him a copy.”  
  
Sehun laughed a little, too, because he really liked their relationship, “I could almost suggest a threesome, an orgy, even.”  
  
“That would be seriously hot,” Jongin said, thoughtfully.  
  
“Stop thinking about dirty things with me when I’m right in front of you, Kim Jongin,” he chastised, “let’s get to work, yeah?”  
  
  


**Day 211**

  
  
  
A loud crash resonated through the house and Sehun counted till four until he heard Luhan’s angry voice.  
  
“What did you break now, Sehun?” He asked in his most condescending tone.  
  
Sehun breathed in and out a few times; he knew he was in deep shit because he’d broke one of Luhan’s most valuable objects.  
  
“I’m so, so sorry, Luhan,” he said as he stood up from the floor, holding the pieces of what used to be Luhan’s mother’s crystal teacup, the last one, a 19th century relic.  
  
He saw Luhan pinch the bridge of his nose as he tried to even his breath.  
  
“Get the fuck out of my house right now before I fucking stab you with those shards. Don’t even bother coming home tonight.”  
  
He didn’t even try to argue or apologise again, instead he grabbed his coat and phone, and walked towards the door.  
  
The whole walk to Jongin’s house consisted of him chanting ‘it was a mistake’ under his breath.  
  
  


**Day 212**

  
  
  
Walking into the house he had left so quickly the day before felt a bit like a punch to the gut, Sehun realised. He was still distressed, sad and worried that Luhan would never forgive him for breaking something so important.  
  
“Who did you spend the night with? Where?” Luhan’s voice startled Sehun.  
  
“Shit. Sorry. I stayed with Jongin,” he thought he was safe with that answer, but Luhan’s eyes were fiery enough to make Sehun’s blood run cold.  
  
“So, did you sleep with Jongin or did you sleep with Baekhyun, then? You filthy whore, you didn’t waste time to go and suck someone else’s dick, did you?” Sehun was stunned to find nothing but strong conviction in Luhan’s eyes. Did he really think Sehun would just go and have sex with other people that easily?  
  
“I slept with none of them, Luhan,” he replied, trying to keep his voice low and firm.  
  
“I call bullshit! Didn’t I forbid you from seeing Byun Baekhyun!? What part of I don’t want you near him is so hard for you to understand, Oh Sehun? Are you actually that fucking stupid? How many times do I have to tell you shit so you will understand?”  
  
Sehun felt hurt, not only by Luhan’s lack of trust in him, but also by the way he seemed oblivious to his own words.  
  
“Luhan, you told me to leave the house, so I did.”  
  
Luhan walked towards him and grabbed him by the collar of his rumpled work shirt, “why did I do that, you wonder? Why don’t you ask yourself? Didn’t you break something that I told you was important to me? It’s your fault that I told you to leave! If you weren’t so fucking clumsy all the time, maybe I wouldn’t have to punish you so often!”  
  
Unsure of the source of his bravery, he pushed Luhan away from him with more strength than he thought he had, “it was a fucking mistake! I said I was sorry for breaking it!”  
  
“How fucking dare you push me around like that, Oh Sehun? You must be fucking insane! Do I need to remind you who owns this house? Should I call the police and tell them you’re trying to get physical with me?” Luhan shot question after question, and Sehun was just tired, so he just slid down to the floor and stayed there feeling trapped and alone.  
  
“Sometimes I wish you would just leave me, but then I remember you’re just a piece of worthless human waste. It makes me feel sorry, Sehun, and that’s why I keep you around; I pity you that much,” Luhan said to him a few minutes later, “but you make my life miserable, you make everything that much more difficult.”  
  
  


**Day 234**

  
  
  
“Hey, Sehun?” Luhan yelled from the bedroom, “can you please come here?” Sehun walked to the room and stood at the door, “there you are. Can you please look happy? I don’t want your already ugly face to ruin my day. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I have decided that seeing Jongin is just not good for you anymore and that I want you to cut all ties with him as soon as possible.”  
  
Sehun tilted his head and frowned, “come again?”  
  
“Oh, don’t play dumb, you heard me perfectly. Stop talking to Jongin or I will change the locks so you can’t come in ever again.” The look of pure disdain in Luhan’s face made Sehun think that maybe the one who was insane for thinking of having friends was himself. He nodded numbly and walked back into the living room.  
  
Jongin had been with him since he could remember, but now it seemed like fate wanted to break them apart in a very cruel way. Sehun looked at his unlocked phone, even if he deleted Jongin’s number, he’d still knew it by heart. Still, he deleted it and just sat there for hours, until he felt he could move again. His mind was foggy, though, and there was an ache that spread through his whole body like a wildfire.  
  
He thought forgiving Luhan the first time would make him change, but it now seemed like Luhan was a simple repeat offender, and Sehun was at a loss.  
  
  


**Day 266**

  
  
  
“Hey, Sehun,” an intern, whom Sehun remembered as Chanyeol, peeked through his door, “outside there’s a man looking for you, he said his name is Kim Jongin and that he will not leave until he talks with you.”  
  
Sehun sighed; he knew this would happen and was prepared for it, “let him through. Thanks.”  
  
He fixed the papers on his desk and tried to give himself a pep talk, but he was too nervous and he knew Jongin would be annoyed.  
  
He didn’t even knock.  
  
“So, were you promoted to CEO? Did your phone fall into the toilet? Did I offend you somehow?” He spat one question after the other, “what did I do that now you’re ignoring me?”  
  
Since it was lunch time, he decided to fuck it. He told Jongin the truth about his disappearance and the things he’d missed. Jongin listened intently and didn’t interrupt him even once.  
  
“Basically, he’s batshit crazy,” Jongin told Sehun, looking irate.  
  
“He’s not crazy, he’s just a bit troubled,” Sehun weakly defended Luhan.  
  
“And you’ll end up a lot troubled if you don’t do something quick, Sehun. If he managed to push you away from me, what else do you think could happen?” Sehun didn’t reply. “Let’s devise a plan; I have plenty of information and ideas, alright?”  
  
And for the first time in what felt like years, Sehun felt like he could touch the edges of the freedom he hadn’t realised he’d lost.  
  
  


**Day 300**

  
  
  
A simple, store-bought chocolate cake sat in the middle of the kitchen table, with a note stuck on top of it.  
  
 _I love you. I love your good days, and I tried hard, and came to love your bad days too, and instead of loving me, you betrayed me, my love and my trust. I won’t hold it against you, because just like me, you’re a victim; that much I know. But until you learn that loving means trusting instead of controlling, I cannot let you give me the pain you disguise as love any longer.”_


End file.
